Always there!

I dedicate this to a friend who always encouraged me to continue writing poetry. He even bought a small book I put together years ago. I thought since its been so long that I wrote poetry, that I might’ve lost it. Jason Kenemy, I sat down to write a blog and this is what came out. You’re right, it’s always there.

I was sad yesterday, but not today. Because yesterday, I would’ve said goodbye to you. I would’ve said, I’m going to make a mistake and you won’t be here to even know about it.

I was sad yesterday, but not today. Yesterday, everything was hard. Peoples personalities were hard, extra jobs were hard, I rode the train on 40% instead of 60%.

I was sad yesterday, but not today. I felt the tug inside me, the tiredness and staleness building inside. I couldn’t pull myself from the things on my mind.

I was sad yesterday, but not today. The little bit up and the little bit down, never brought me up. It kept me far down, pulling me even, as I fought it off.

I was sad yesterday, but not today. My mind was sharp in the midst of strife. In the back was what I knew was light, strength, you!

I was sad yesterday, but not today. My bed held me tight and warm, gave me extra time and stifled the anger that was within.

I was sad yesterday, but not today. The season has turned, it changed in an instant. Constant change, so fast I didn’t even see it. A heart up lifted.

I cried today, but not tomorrow. I miss your face. I miss your smile. I loved you so much!

…cried today. I want you back!

Tomorrow is only a short while away. You’ll be with me then too and that’s where you’ll stay. Thanks to you, for reaching me. And for always being the light…

Ebbs, flow and death; write now

…someone asked me the other day “what do you do and how do you heal when something bad has happened.” In my humanistic, arrogant way, I answered “I book clients, and get out of my house and spend tine with friends and…until it hurts a little less.” I’ve been thinking about that response over this past week. What did I do before I do before I had all of those ‘coping’ strategies? When I was a child, how did I process death? I write. Or better yet, I wrote. I stopped writing. I know why I stopped writing. However, I don’t remember why I never started again.

Now I blog about my work, the kids and teens I love and support, the families and funny things. But, I used to write poetry, stories, songs and journal all the time. I’ve heard this saying “it doesn’t matter why you stopped. It is never too late to start again!” I believe both are important. The reason you stopped and what brings you back to it.

Follow me. Can you see me? I am hiding amongst the others. I’ll wait for you. My breathe as hot, like the light. Can you see me now? see me. See me. See Me!
When I am gone and you can’t find me. I will be in the trees, in the light. Coming back to it is lovely. Light, grace, love and honour, follow me.
No fear. Be still. Listen. Love. I will always be where you find me.

Marj, the peot

Not my house

Have you ever lived somewhere different? Not a different country, but, in someone else’s home…their not home? I have. In fact, last September, I lived in one different country, two different cities and one different riding, all in someone else’s house.

New York was the best. I got to sight see, while my client was at school. That being said, I ran errands, had Skype meetings, worked on my laptop till 2a and wondered how everything was doing in Toronto. Life went on as I knew it. New York is so much like Toronto too, it wasn’t that hard to continue my regular routine. When I flew back to Toronto at 3a, I slept in my bed one night and headed out at 8a the next morning. A whole five hours in my house. No unpacking necessary.

My favourite is coming home. It is not too long that I am bored of my place again though.

Now I’m finally home. I thought, woo, November will be nice to be home. Then I remembered…my best friend is doing a school placement away from home that will be good for her professional career in the end. Guess who’s taking care of her six year old daughter for three weeks? This lady! Once again, not home for prolonged periods of time.

There was a small break in the beginning of the year. It lasted one month and I thought “how nice it is to be home.” I was tired with other things, so, came home every night. But, wasn’t feeling full in my own dwelling. Soon, the calls began to come in for overnights and vacations. Wooo hoo, it meant people were taking a break after the March Break.

It also meant packing my bags and keeping them somewhat packed with essentials.

Currently, I just lived in three different houses in fifteen. I wasn’t taking care of anyone specifically. I did become part of wherever I was though. I became an auntie, big sister and cousin, it’s like having my own children.

I will soon be moving to a camp for a month, to spend different sessions with different children. It will be exciting to meet new people and somewhat bitter too to be away from home and have things change.*

All in all, this home on earth, is not really mine. Even the one I pay for has stories without me. If your travelling or moving around “Peace be da journey.”

*Some things and people stay the same, some don’t. Keep souls and spirits alive in all you’ve known.

What if…

…things lasted forever? That kind of forever when you were six years old and have met your first best friend?! Who was going to be your best friend forever. That’s what people tell me happens anyway, I didn’t have a best friend at six years old.

Happiness, is such a finicky little thing. Huge in the grand scheme of things, but little when we think about what we need/want in our materialistic world. In my life, it is something I strive for. It is very important to me and I want others to be happy. What I’ve learned about happiness, I’ve learned through sorrow; that it comes and goes.

I can be happy one minute, something happens, and sad the next. I can feel fantastic, but have a layer of sadness, that eventually disappears. I can be so upset, that I don’t ever want to be happy again or can’t even think of a time when that will come. Happiness takes many different forms in my life, I’m sure yours too.

“Hi, how are you?” I really want to know. Even if you’re shitty, sometimes literally, I want to know how you are. Even if you want to tell me you’re bad, but then say “I don’t want to talk about it.” That’s okay too. You don’t even really have to say anything either, I speak body language.

Yesterday, I had a great day! It was a P.A. Day, we had four kids join us, one sibling, a mom and dad, five staff and two volunteers. It was busy, but fun! Today, after a busy Saturday, getting some bad news, and then hearing a friend is under the weather, I feel that dark grey of sadness around my happiness. Contemplating how to sit with that, is tough. You don’t quite know which way to go.

Sadness creeps in from moment to moment, reminders are all around and keeping it to yourself kills you, but telling others doesn’t really make you feel better either. I guess it comes down to time…”to everything there is a season, a time to weep and a time to laugh; a time to mourn and a time to dance…” Time heals what it can handle.

As for happiness, I’ll see you today, tomorrow and the next day too! Sneak in at different times during the day, so that I feel complete. Don’t fight the dark grey too much though, it’s good for me to know you both or I might not know you as well.

Life goals

I have never really been one to make goals. I mean, I am a dreamer, I aspire to be, but I’m not good at writing things down and then striving to achieve. I like to keep it all in my head. The hardest is when others think you should complete something because it’s important to them.

I talk to kids about their goals all the time, things they like to do now, I see them doing in the future. This never depends on their disability, it is in spite of it.

I truly believe it is good to dream, make plan and have aspirations. The reason I don’t set anything in stone or write it down is because our world changes, things happen and I don’t want to let myself down. This doesn’t stop me from striving as hard, it allows me to take a break, forgive myself and enjoy the journey. Something the kids in my life have taught me so much of, ‘enjoying the journey.’

In my life time I could set out a hundred goals, achieve fifty and keep beating myself up for the other fifty that lay un-finished. I don’t like to beat myself up, so I enjoy every one slowly and one by one. If someone else swoops in before me, that doesn’t mean I can’t still achieve whatever it is for my own personal satisfaction. For example, I’m learning to drive. People always say things like “why don’t you drive” or “how can you not drive” or “it’s about time.” I want to say back, “I meet some of the most awesome people bussing” or “so your sixteen year old can drive, I can give you directions from here to there or take the subway anywhere I travel to and read a paper map.”

Someone else’s goals are not my own and vice versa. I like to work at my own pace and support you to do the same. I will keep making goals and sharing them. However, achieving them is a state of my body, mind and soul, people see that.

In other words, take lessons from your kids. Make goals that you can enjoy right now and later too if that’s what the case may be. Don’t worry about what you didn’t get done, “peace be the journey.”

Good people

I’ve always believed in the power of good people. Surrounding yourself with them. Not that a person you are friends with or family isn’t a good person. I mean good people that are put in your life, that you picked or picked you, for one reason or another. Your not sure why, but, blessings flow from having that relationship. Isn’t that why people get married? Married friends, you’ll have to help me on this one? Today, I spent the day with one of the most awesome people I know. She’s cute, one and three quarters years old and good peoples. We went for lunch, walked, talked, laughed, read a story and had a nap. It was a great day without any feeling of being overwhelmed about other things in my life. She’s good people because her parents good people! Both of them. Its like a smorgasbord of good people when with all three of them.

Good things happen when you focus on the good people in your life. There’s the my ‘good people’ friend did me a huge favour that I was afraid to ask for help for. Or, ‘good people’ teacher made me feel confident about a test. I personally like my ‘good people’ because they make me feel good, happy and glad to know there is still good in the world.

I thank Jesus everyday for sending them to me and putting them in my life.

Other good things that happen with good people is, car rides (even when you don’t really need one), heavens aligning to make things happen that look as if their not going to and Love!

Thanks to my good people good people today for taking care, smiling and working hard.

Thanks to Jesus for getting me to the bus stop, on the bus (I was late for), adding leather seats and plug so could write this blog!


Wow, it’s been a long time

Hi. I’m back. Not that I went anywhere, but 76 days since my last post, it would feel so. I’ve seen many things not going anywhere, here are just a few.

When my mind is rattled and overwhelmed, I’m taught to trust in you. To breathe, relax and laugh. All the things I’ve been given for free.

Hammers beat down and I let people down, to which I am asked “seriously?” Yes, seriously, this is where I am. Help to guide me, give me kind words, it fills my soul and makes me thankful.

Life and death. I’m okay with not understanding. I have seen both in it’s truest form and felt those who have passed around me. Death helps me lead a richer (in the heavenly sense) life!

Work, I finally learned why they call it that. I saw new kids and missed the old, reached goals and experienced falls. The kids were always there in their awesome way. When I say awesome, I really mean awesome!

Friends, thank you. Even when we’re far away, you still love me and hold me close. Many of you have become extended family and I have been made Auntie by your children. That, is a true and lovely blessing.

Jesus, lover of my soul, what, would I do without you? You offer yourself so fully and wonderfully to me, that I can’t turn away. You give what I need, exactly when I need it and never before. Thank you for knowing everything before me and teaching me to listen.

I’m back and ready to inspire!


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