It’s not mine con’t…

Once I started working, really making a go at this caregiver thing. I worked with a young man who to this day has stolen my heart. We are connected in a way I don’t even understand and he was the best comfort after my brother had died. Mind you, he can’t do anything. He is fully dependant, has a wonderful sense of humor, loves blondes and is one of the best people I know. HE definitely reminded me my body is not my own!

In our first year together, he coughed and vomited on me, demanded to sit on my lap or beside me, didn’t let me leave the room (by coughing or crying), needed to be lifted (he wasn’t light) and cuddled with me when he was tired and frustrated with his own body and what he couldn’t control. Can you imagine not being able to control your own body? I’d take hostage of someone else’s too.

These kids. My kids. They need me in the most complete way that one person has ever needed another. I am happy, honored, even exhilarated to be there for them.

As my friends grew up and began having kids and getting married. I got to meet new people to love, share with and get good hugs from. My friends friends kids, some call me Auntie, are awesome! I miss them, have pictures of them in my wallet, relish the time I get to spend with them and am excited to watch them grow up. I have babysat, fed, bathed and taken care of these children. Cuddled with them, rocked them to sleep and even taken care of some of them when their sick. I am so lucky to have them in my life.

My body is a force to be reckoned with! It is strong, faces adversity, patient, compassionate and lends gives itself to others everyday day. I just hope my heart can be those things all the time. Thanks be to God for this body.

Maj

It’s not mine

Ever since I was young, I’ve always loved kisses, hugs and wrestling with my brother. That was one of the biggest ways for us to bond, being physical with each other. He wasn’t going to be the one to reach out for a hug or push me over, then again, he was always good at that. Even before his disability he would carry me around the house and sit me on riding toys, make me play with toys or just have me as his little doll. He had me until the day that I had him. It was pure role reversal.

I was always the quiet one who would sit and look around not saying a word. This can still be true, but happens so seldom, that people don’t usually believe it. He was the out going and social one. He had tons of energy. Once he acquired his disability, he went quiet. He couldn’t talk and was less active due to his brain damage. He was active in a different way for sure. I became overly active, talkative and mischievous. My body now had to find ways to connect with my brother as we shared a different type of relationship. Sorry, that was purely a separate thought.

Growing up, I’d been reminded that my body is not my own. I was also told a lot of different things about my body. First one was “Fat.” That bothered me from about ten to twelve years old. I had had a major growth spurt and was changing into a young adult body. Once I realized that to be true, I thanked my grandma for the heads up, but that I already knew.

The next was that I was “big.” “Big what?” I ask. Big personality? Yes, definitely. Big mouth? Absolutely! Big…? Yea probably. But I could take you in a fight, so I don’t think you should argue with me over this?!

The next was beautiful. That came from me. It came from others, but wasn’t believed until it came from me. I had always celebrated what my body was put on the earth for, but those years when you can’t get away from people; because they’re family or school peers or your own thoughts twisted by others views. I think my final stages of beauty was me seeing what people like my brother saw in me.

My body is not my own. It belongs to me, but (I feel) is meant to be shared with those you chose to share it with. I don’t mean in a sexual way necessarily. I mean in what ever way you want. Cuddling, hugs, sitting beside someone you like, kneeling to play, running a marathon, dancing or just to inspire yourself and others. Just remember, this body is only on loan. To be continued….

Maj